Episode 39: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Welcome to the first episode of the rest of our lives. Election 2016 is all wrapped up, and this week our hosts seek solace in the sweet nectar of holiday beers. Also, we’re discussing everyone’s favorite holiday classic: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. The results of last episode’s listener poll are still very much pending, so don’t think we’ve thrown that out just yet. Think of this as an emergency episode in a time of crisis. Anyway, this week we discuss the election, the sad backstory of Cousin Eddie, and Christmas Creep at Walt Disney World!

xmasvaca

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Why We Creep

Greetings Creepazoids,

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last two days, I’m sure you’ve heard the news. We here in the US have elected a new president, and somehow, someway, that person is Donald Trump. That’s put me in a weird headspace. On the one hand, I feel an urgent pull to align myself with those whose rights are now in danger. Our country is now in the hands of a regime which has explicitly set its sights against a number of people, but hopefully the cultural tide that’s been growing over the past eight years will work to cushion the blow. It’s a real “hope for the best, expect the worst” situation. On the other hand, all of this makes me want to retreat into my happy place, which just so happens to be a podcast where I blab about Christmas movies.

We try hard to keep this site apolitical and secular for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is the simple fact that it’s just no fun poking fun at Jesus. There is definitely a line we draw for our curmudgeony asses, and that line is the “reason for the season”. And it’s not because any of us here are even particularly religious. (For my part, I was raised Southern Baptist. For a little while, at least.) No, it’s simply more fun to rip apart movies that try so hard to tap into the True Meaning of Christmas that they wouldn’t know Peace on Earth if it came knocking on their door. Filmmakers get this stuff so wrong so often that this podcast will never ever run out of cannon fodder.

And yet, we’ve elected a president who just a year ago vowed to win the War on Christmas like it’s a fucking contest.

Here’s where I have a problem. I am well aware that Christmas Creep is an actual phenomenon that happens every year, and many people (myself included) find this offensive. Stores prepare for Christmas earlier and earlier each year, forcing other holidays to follow suit. Halloween candy now shows up in the stores in August, for fuck’s sake. AugustThe month where everything good and beautiful in this world melts under the oppressive heat of a blazing sun. Yes, it’s ridiculous, and I 100% understand every single person who feels the commercial force of The Holidays infringing upon their enjoyment of Halloween. I get it, and I am with you. In a perfect world, Halloween would start on October 1st and end the week before Thanksgiving.

But it’s hard for me to reconcile that with the simple and honest fact that I genuinely love Christmas. The holiday season is the one time of year that seeps into my bones and fills me with a deep and unyielding joy, and this podcast is my attempt to carry a little bit of that joy with me throughout the year.

We brighten up the chilly darkness with twinkling lights and warm drinks. We break out a new set of music to help us while away the hours until the spring thaw. As the world around us appears to wither and die, we give each other gifts to help soothe the pain. Even if we don’t do it out of religious observance, we do it because the night is dark and full of terrors. We do it because it’s the only way all of us will make it through to the spring. That may not be as explicitly true as it was centuries ago, but what can I say? Old habits die hard.

So when our new president-elect pledges to make people say “Merry Christmas” again, it sends a chill up my spine. America was founded on the idea that the church stands on one side, the state stands on the other side, and never the twain shall meet. And yet our country is about to be run by a party that legislates based on religious conviction. No one should be forced to observe Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter. Hell, no one should be forced to listen to our podcast in June. If you get sick of hearing us prattle on about talking dogs saving Santa or whatever in the oppressive heat of Summer, you have my blessing to drop the show and come back in December. We’ll be here.

I would never dream of forcing this holiday or this podcast on anyone, my co-hosts notwithstanding. (Sorry not sorry, Karyn and Johnny-5.) The holidays are supposed to bring out the best in humanity, and every year I want so badly to help make that happen, even if just a tiny bit. This year more than ever, we desperately need a little humanity.

I hope you’ll join us as we embark on our second holiday season as a Christmas movie podcast. We have some fun, weird episodes lined up through the end of the year. But if you don’t celebrate Christmas, or can’t stand the thought of one more person pretending to make merry in a time of utter disillusionment, I understand. This podcast is my own personal happy place, and I expect I’ll be spending a lot of time here over the next few years. As the holidays approach, if you need a happy place too, our door is always open.

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Episode 38: Jack Frost 2

Happy Halloween, Creepazoids! Once again, we’re going Home for the Horrordays, with  Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman! How does a killer snowman traverse a tropical island? What does snowman-related PTSD look like? Will Captain Fun step up to the challenge and save the day? How many Phantom Menace references can we cram into a single episode? The answers to these questions and more as Joe and Johnny-5 discuss Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman!

jackfrost21

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Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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Episode 37: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Welcome back, Creepazoids! It’s October now, and our old buddy Bradford returns to help us ring in the Horrordays! This week, we’re discussing Ron Howard’s 2000 fever dream of a live-action Grinch film starring Jim Carrey! Is this a horror film? No, but if that grim mug down there doesn’t terrify you, I don’t know what will.

Also this week, Joe shares a recent tale of body horror, the gang reels in terror at the Grinch’s secret origin story, and Johnny-5 tries his hardest to break Bradford with the power of Benedict Cumberbatch. Buckle up, gang, cuz the sun is shinin’ and the powder’s bitchin’!

grinch

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Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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Episode 36: Trapped in Paradise

This week, special guest Drew Meyer returns to chat about the mid-90s Comedy Central staple Trapped in Paradise. If a movie has no fans, can it truly have fan theories? How many George Baileys does one town need? What is going on with Nicolas Cage in this movie, and how much of it is his fault? Join us as we attempt to answer these questions and more!

trapped

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Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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Episode 35: Holidays

“It doesn’t make things more mysterious when you leave things unsaid. It just means you didn’t finish your idea.” Which isn’t always the case, except when discussing Holidays, a brand new anthology horror film featuring nightmare visions of Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s. Did we love it? Far from it. Give it a listen to find out how deep this awful well goes!

holidays

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Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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Episode 34: Home Alone 2

The 2016 presidential race is heating up, and that means it’s time to remind you of all the movies in which our two candidates have appeared. Like Home Alone 2: Lost in New York! In this episode we discuss Harry and Marv’s surprising resilience, the McCallister’s endlessly deep pockets, and the legacy of Tim Curry. Grab your TalkBoys and bricks and let’s soak a rope in kerosene!

home_alone2

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SHOW NOTES FOR THIS EPISODE:

  • What happens when you repeat the first movie, but with more violence?
  • What’s wrong with John Hughes movies?
  • Home Alone 2’s continued editing-for-TV
  • TRAILER TREASURES: BAD SANTA 2 IS HAPPENING! (NSFW)
  • KRANKOMETER: (0, 1)

Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

New episode/banner art by @theEsquireBob!

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Episode 33: Unaccompanied Minors

With Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters in theaters now, we take a look back at Feig’s 2006 holiday film Unaccompanied Minors, featuring the return of Bad Santa‘s Thurman Murman! Okay, so he’s not actually the same character, but we like to think he is. It’s more fun that way. Disclaimer: It’s so hot out right now that our computer melted down halfway through recording. We still get in plenty of goofy tangents about Star Wars and junk, but we just wanna be upfront with you fine folks!

um

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Episode 32: A Christmas Story 2

Happy Summer, Creepazoids!

You can tell when a movie really sets us all on edge, because we wind up swearing a whole lot more than usual. That’s the effect of A Christmas Story 2, a decades-later sequel solely designed to cash in on a holiday favorite. Does Ralphie’s mission to get a new car for Christmas have anything on his Red Ryder carbine action range model air rifle? How weird is it to cast Marv from Home Alone as the Old Man? Does Randy live in his own personal time vortex? The answers to these questions and more on this episode of Christmas Creeps!

cs2

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PSA: Pirating media is bad. It’s super easy, sure. But still bad.

Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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Episode 31: Die Hard 2

This week we’re celebrating Johnny-5’s birthday with another trip through a Die Hard movie! Only problem is it’s Die Hard 2, and if you’ve seen Die Hard 2, you know what a rough, boring, gunfight-filled ride we’re in for. What makes a Die Hard movie? Does setting a movie at Christmas automatically count it as a Christmas movie? Is this the movie that drove Renny Harlin off the deep end? Tune in for the answers to these questions and more!

diehard2

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Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hit us up at XmasCreeps@gmail.com!

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